Summer vacation is here, and with it comes a valuable opportunity for training your kids in zombie defense and survival tactics. Forget summer camp. Forget community theater. Forget trips to the Grand Canyon and grandma’s house. This summer, make zombie defense training a priority for your kids.
Here are some vital tips for the parent interested in keeping their offspring alive. While this is by no means a comprehensive list, it should give you a starting point for setting up your children’s zombie defense training regimen this summer. Remember: A living child is a happy child. An undead child just loves you for your BRAAAAINS.
- Prepare for the unexpected. The beauty (and horror) of zombies is that they can strike anywhere, at any time, regardless of how ready you are. Don’t allow your children to fall into a predictable routine for their training. Hit them with zombie attack scenarios at all hours of the day, no matter where they are. A good way to start is by simulating a zombie attack in their bedroom at 3am. Next, follow them on play dates with their friends and force them to react as they would in a real zombie attack. While it would also be ideal to push them into a training exercise in a public place, it is not advisable to start screaming “Zombies!” in a crowded theater.
- Study the classics. Romero, Shaun of the Dead, the Resident Evil movies. Your kids should know how to dispose of a zombie with nothing but a banjo and a pair of garden shears. They should know when it’s ok to use fire against a zombie, and when it’s not. They can learn all of these tactics by watching and studying classic and popular zombie films.
- Allow time for video games. Your children should spend at least one hour every day honing their zombie killing reflexes through video games. These crafty “games” are an ideal virtual training ground for zombie combat, especially with games like Left4Dead, Dead Island, and Dead Rising simulating near-realistic zombie attack scenarios. The better your kid is at throwing molotov cocktails at zombies in L4D2, the better he’ll be in real life.
- Exercise until it’s not fun anymore. If you want your kids to live through a zombie apocalypse, you’ll ignore their cries of “Mommy, I’m tired!” and “I have a blister!” and “But it’s raining!” If you love them, you must let them suffer. No one said surviving zombies would be easy, so it’s time your little ones learned to nut up or shut up. Those ten-mile hikes through Rocky Mountain National Park won’t kill them, but a zombie might. Keep this in mind as you’re forcing your kids to jog through the freezing rain carrying rucksacks full of canned food and jugs of water.
- Give up being a vegetarian. Or a vegan, or restricting your kid’s diet in any way whatsoever. By all means, encourage them to eat healthy food (their life could depend on it), but when the dead rise and the brains hit the fan, do you really want your child passing up the last can of Spam in Denver because you raised them vegan? With a full societal collapse, your children will be on the brink of starvation every day. They need to understand that they can (and should) eat anything edible they can get their zombie-slaying little paws on.
- Practice a useful sport. Gymnastics and parkour are growing ever more popular these days, and the skills and technique your wee ones can learn from these sports are highly likely to keep them alive when surrounded by zombies. Children are small, nimble, and limber. They need to practice sports that will hone these natural advantages. A child who can scale a brick wall like a spider is far more likely to live to see her high school graduation than the kid who played tennis at the country club all summer long. Get your kid involved in an endurance sport, or a sport that will teach them to climb, jump, backflip, and crawl their way out of danger.
So instead of taking your kids to the pool or play dates this summer, instate a strict regimen of zombie defense training. That is… if you want your kids to live long enough to grow up.
Stay informed, stay alive: This article was meant to entertain and inform, not to offend. If you find yourself feeling insulted, just take a deep breath, laugh a little, and remember that the Denver Zombie Examiner isn’t really qualified to be giving you parenting advice anyway.
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