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Michael Cole gives Jerry “The King” epic levels of butthurt; Kofi Kingston and Jack Swagger slug it out
Truth returns after the break, walking backstage mumbling to himself. I’m not sure if his being, to co-opt an expression doubtless familiar to my Monroe readers, “crazy as a betsy bug” is part of his character but if so they should tread carefully with it. A little crazy goes a long way in the WWE. Being written off as a madman gets you just about as many title shots as being written off as “the guy who sings and dances”. I’m very relieved to say, Truth’s second turn at the mike this week turns out to be a much better one. He appears to be more relaxed backstage; he isn’t trying so hard, leading to a much smoother promo. He tells a backstage announcer that Mysterio, del Rio and Miz are in his crosshairs. He also introduces us all to “Little Ronnie”, (apparently brother to Little Johnny from two weeks back.) the son of another concerned parent saying he needs to go back to his old gimmick.
Alex Riley calls out John Cena, seemingly in a bid to impress his overlord, the Miz. What Riley didn’t realize though is that John Cena is the WWE’s version of Candyman; if you call his name 3 times he appears. Cena comes to ring and proceeds to thrash Riley. If getting various boots to the head and slammed to the canvas constitutes impressing someone, then yeah, he impressed the hell out of the Miz this week. Miz even comes out to the ramp to see the match and Cena puts the Attitude Adjustment finisher on Riley twice, looking right at the Miz for effect. He finishes things off with Riley tapping to the STF.
Michael Cole, aka Cole the Troll takes the ring next and announces his retirement from in-ring competition. Jerry the King enters and replays footage of Cole…err, Troll getting the Rock Bottom and People’s Elbow from last week. Jerry tries to coerce him into another match, offering Troll his WWE Hall of Fame ring as well as personally inducting him into the Hall of Fame if he can beat him. Cole the Troll flatly refuses and takes the opportunity to troll harder, declaring George Dubya the best president of all time and talking about Tennessee conspiracy theorists who refuse to accept Elvis died on the toilet. (This week’s show was in Knoxville, after all.) I mean seriously, could the trolling be more obvious at this point? Troll touches Lawler’s “third rail” (Err.. Maybe I should rephrase that?) by bringing up the King’s dead mother again. He then retreats into his see-through troll cage as a foaming at the mouth King comes after him. He gets saved by his bodyguard, Jack Swagger.
It’s almost poetic when you think about it. See, the WWE has gotten into performance art. This is a literal visual representation of an internet troll. He makes comments from far, far away then gets to hide behind anonymity, or in this case a literal glass effin’ cage. Since re-branding themselves as officially just WWE, and no longer World Wrestling Entertainment, they’re branching out, expanding the company. Vince McMahon has seen the future and it is performance theatre. Coming up next week, look for an interpretive dance number by Sheamus and the Great Khali.
Next up, Kofi Kingston and Jack Swagger butt heads. Kofi’s more acrobatic, high-flying moves seems to be the perfect contrast to Jack Swagger’s more technical moveset. The end result being, the two look very good in the ring together. I wonder if the WWE is going to take this feud to the next level. The King returns to ringside, hungry for some revenge against Cole the Troll. Kingston uses the temporary distraction to his advantage, landing the Trouble in Paradise and sealing the win. King meanwhile reaches through an opening in Troll’s protective glass and grabs ahold of his tie, using it to slam his face repeatedly against the glass. Sorta makes you feel all warm and fuzzy inside to witness it. Ahh, good times.
Fightin’ Words… (Conclusion)