Tonight, after many months of promotion across every one of their many channels (Coming Soon: HBO Amish, HBO for Pre-Teens, HBO for Gay Construction Workers, and HBO Danza HD), HBO unveiled Lady Gaga’s concert special, Monster. For the most part, we’ve ignored Lady Gaga and her silliness here at Comedy Examiner HQ, but after a disastrous remote control accident left us unable to change the station while Gaga’s special aired this evening, we felt compelled to offer up the top 10 annoying, obnoxious, flat-out pandering, and/or embarrassing things Lady Gaga said during tonight’s Monster special. Read through ’em below, my gentle Examiner readers…
We’re not big pop music fans here at Comedy Examiner HQ, but we can appreciate a well-written single with the best of ’em. As such, we’ve casually enjoyed a few of Lady Gaga’s songs– y’know, the kind of stuff that pops up in the background at a party, at the gym, or blasting out of speakers while we’re cruising through Boys Town– but as for Gaga herself, we’ve remained non-committal: she’s weird, sure, but beyond that, we have had no opinion.
Until tonight, that is.
Tonight, HBO aired their long-awaited Monster concert special, a two-hour Lady Gaga extravaganza that seemed like a perfectly innocuous thing to have on in the background while your humble Comedy Examiner got laundry done, mopped the kitchen, hosed down the maid, and puttered about the house. In other words: We may not be shrieking Gaga fans here at Comedy Examiner HQ, but we figured the special would provide a servicable soundtrack for a series of house-chores.
Thirty minutes or so later, we realized a few things. Chief among them: Lady Gaga is really, really obnoxious.
I’m sure that Lady Gaga’s legion of fans will take exception with such a statement, but in my defense, I present the following list: a compilation of the top 10 annoying, obnoxious, pandering, or just plain embarrassing things that Lady Gaga said during tonight’s Monster special on HBO. None of these are made up, but most will require commentary, if only to provide some context:
10. “I hate money”
Little known fact: Lady Gaga hates money. That’s why her albums are free and everyone in Madison Square Garden attended the concert for free.
9. “Did you have the time of your life?”
Asked to concert-goers at the end of the show, and just the first in a series of statements we’re going to list here which reveal just how needy Lady Gaga is. Let’s run through the needy-statements now (be forewarned, though: this is grade-A, “crazy ex-girlfriend”-style neediness).
8. “Do you think I’m sexy?”
Again, needy. Really needy. Not spoken in an arch, knowing, or ironic way, but in a “please validate me immediately” kinda way.
7. “I’m like Tinkerbell: if you don’t clap, I die”
Spoken during a lull in-between songs. This is where I threw up in my lap.
6. “Scream for me!”
The quadrilogy of neediness is complete. Remember these statements the next time you dare to call someone you know “needy”: they don’t hold a candle to Lady Gaga’s “Monster” special.
5. “Girls thirty pounds lighter than me picked on me in high school.”
See?! Lady Gaga– the chick in the meat-dress and the 42″ heels with millions of dollars on-stage at Madison Square Garden– is just like you! Thus begins the pandering portion of our list. Let’s see where this takes us…
4. “Put your hands up for equality!”
Lady Gaga should name her next album “The Pandering Monster”.
3. “Michael (ed. note– Gaga’s guitarist) loves women and men. Like Jesus.”
Pandering, double-duty style: Christians and gays, unite! You oughtta get along well.
2. “Those ‘Monster’ jackets sure look good from up here!”
Spoken while riding a massive lift above the audience. One almost expected her to add, “You can pick one up for yourself for just $49.99 at the rear of the auditorium. Buy two, and give one as a gift!” But that probably would’ve been gauche, huh?
1. (The entirety of “Born This Way”, Gaga’s closing number)
Still sounds like “Express Yourself”. You will never convince me otherwise.
And with that, your humble Comedy Examiner is going to go deep, deep into hiding.
Stay tuned for more funny videos, news, reviews, interviews, and more from Comedy Examiner HQ in the near future, folks. We’ve got all manner of nonsense to keep you informed and entertained during the week, so hit the ‘Subscribe’ button up top to get all future Comedy Examiner articles delivered straight to your inbox, free of charge, the moment they’re published…including any of our future Lady Gaga-related updates. You can also head on over to THIS PAGE to follow your humble Comedy Examiner on Twitter.