Oh my peeps, welcome to Halloween Jersey style, where you can get dressed up and run around like a nut job. Or is that a Jersey Christening? Whatevs, let’s get this recap going….
So it’s Halloween in Joisey and both Team Guidice and Team Gorga have decided to clear the ring and let everyone else weigh in on who’s to blame. Team Guidice goes to the Manzo/Laurita camp, where Teresa decides it’s the popularity of her cookbook that has turned her brother against her…say what? Why did you steal his secret sauce or somethin’? Why does someone call you garbage over sauce? Meatballs I can understand, but sauce? Team Gorga, who look like they were in the middle of a B&E at mama Kat’s house, blamed it on the Juice, saying he charged Joey like a midget on ‘roids. Joey blames Tre, because she’s supposed to know THE Gorga look, which means that there are less then 10 seconds before a table flips. Kathy agrees “Yeah, he’s right. She knows THE look.” Maybe Tre borrowed Gretchen’s evil eye hat that day, who knows, but more than anything I’m dying to know, what is this look? Mr.Kathy, starts to see the look and, not wanting his dinner thrown to the floor, tells Joey to take it down a notch. Each side is looking to try and avoid each other, but that is not to be, because it’s time for RHONJ’s favorite holiday of the year….the Posche fashion show.
Oh hell to the yeah, it’s time to delve back into the swamp of leather and botox that is the Posche fashion show. We all remember how last year it lead to weave-gate, well this year Caroline was having none of that shizz, it would be at the Brownstone and all would be right with the world. Oh Caroline, you poor delusional woman. Did you forget Kim D is the owner of Posche, and who her sister in law is? Oh yes, cue the return of Kim Grannypants and her stripper pole. Yuck, yuck, double yuck.
So while Caroline is over at the Brownstone mapping out her emergency evacuation plan, Melissa and Kathy are over at Posche trying on Chewbacca costumes. Seriously, what the hell kind of animal fur was that? Kim D, never one to miss out on an opportunity to bring the drama, asks Melissa to walk in the fashion show. Why does this sound so familiar? Oh yeah, because she did the same thing to Ashley last season, and we all know how well that worked out. AnyWHO, in walks Kim Grannypants, fresh from her early bird special, to start stirring the shizz and wanting to know about the smack down at the Christening. Love to infinty and back how everyone seems shocked that the whole town knows about it. I’m thinking it’s because y’all are taping a reality show and it was caught on film, but hey thats just me. Grannypants keeps digging and starts getting all sorts of delusional, screeching that Tree wishes she could look like her. Something tells me no, much like you were told by Bravo, NO. Even Melissa was like, wowza this chick HATES Tre. Please Grannypants get off my screen, I still have nightmares over the pole from last season.
While Grannypants is off in search of another pole to assault, the rest of Joisey is getting their Halloween on. Tre has decided that since she does it all, she’s going as Super T and the Juice is going as Hef. What the? Who the hell is Super T? Girlfriend, I cook, clean, and take care of my 345 kids too, where the hell is my cape? Whatevs. Over at the Gorga household, proving that, yes sometimes things can get worse, Joey is dressing as Snooki. Wrong on so many levels I can’t even start. Melissa is dressed as Catwoman, and much like every other person who does a reality show in Jersey, has to go home and sleep with Snookie…poor thing.
The blessed day of the Santa de la Posche fashion show rolls around and team Gorga is in one corner gettin’ their hair did, when team Guidice walks in. Tre walks over to say hi to Mama Kat and Melissa and it’s all so very awkward. Caroline walks in and says hi to Melissa and Kathy and in the background you can hear Teresa screeching, “Caaaaaaaroooooliiine, CAAAAAROOOOOLIIINE.” Jacqui called it dead when she said she was waiting for the tick,tick,tick….BOOM.
The room starts to fill and surprise,surprise, who shows up looking like a crack pipe version of Barbie, but Grannypants. Girlfriend can smell a camera a mile away, just wish she would smell an age appropriate outfit and throw it on. Anywho, Caroline starts screaming to to get Teresa a Bay Breeze, because it appears that in order for everyone to get along, there needs to be some booze. Uh Caroline, I know you weren’t at the Christening, but gotta say that is probably not the best way to go. Tre chugs down her drink and then it’s time to hit the stage.
Jacqueline is the first out, then Melissa and then Teresa. Tick. When each Housewife comes out you can hear the crowd cheer, but when Melissa comes out her table is giving high fives and cat calls. Tick. Teresa comes out and she’s looking a tight, I mean really she’s only had one Bay Breeze for God sake and Grannypants is front and center asking if they should boo Tre. Tick. Everyone does a great job and then it’s back to the dressing rooms, where the Boom is about to blow.
That BOOM came courtesy of my beloved Kathy, who apparently doesn’t know about the Gorga switch either, because after everyone was done walking the runway and there wasn’t one ounce of blood on the floor, decides to talk to Teresa. Uh Kath, why stir the pot? Let’s just get out of one fashion show without a smack down, mmmmkay? Nope, not gonna happen. Kathy got out her spoon and stirred some poop by calling out Tre’s mama skills. NO.SHE.DIDN’T. Them’s fighting words and Tre’s not having any of that shizz, she went all, hold my earrings gurrrl. Cue the screaming because it’s on like donkey kong and even though what Kathy said was true, the Gorga switch has been flipped. Tre storms off telling Kathy she’s done with her and even Mama Gorga gets involved, telling Kathy she should be ashamed of herself. At this point, Caroline has had it, she basically tells each team to get into their assigned corner and take it to the streets, while Grannypants is still in the mix waiting for a li’l more camera time. “Kill each other in your own homes” is usually not a good way to end an episode, but in Jersey it seems to be an invitation to next weeks party. Meet you there ladies, I’ll bring the cookies….and bandages.
The Real Housewives Of New Jersey airs on Mondays at 9pm Eastern Standard time in Boston.