Since CBS and Warner Brothers announced last month that Ashton Kutcher would replace Charlie Sheen on the hit TV show Two and A Half Men, a lot has been written about Kutcher’s predicted role in the popular sitcom. Most of the suggestions are tongue in cheek scenarios suggesting a dream sequence, similar to that done by Dallas writers in the 1980s when Bobby Ewing died for a season then returned, but in fact the only logical solution to the dilemma is to kill off the character of Charlie Harper entirely and cast Kutcher as Charlie’s illigitimate son because, let’s face it, Kutcher is far too young to replace Charlie Sheen.
The show’s writing staff would script the show as follows. Charlie would die in some bizarre, comical accident. Perhaps he will fall from a fifth story window while trying to escape the angry husband of the woman whose bed he just crawled out of, or maybe he will tick off stalker Rose and she will accidently miss his privates this time and Superglue his nose and mouth shut, or maybe she will drive him so crazy that he will run screaming into the ocean near his Malibu Beach home, momentarily fogetting that he does not know how to swim. Whatever the writer’s devise, it is sure to be both funny and absurd, but the bottom line is that Charlie will die. Chuck Lorre will see to that, ending all hope that Sheen will eventually return to the series.
Alan will be saddened by Charlie’s death, but since Charlie willed his beach house, jingle and “Charlie Waffles” royalities to his next of kin, loser Alan believes himself to be in the chips, so to speak. He commandeers Charlie’s phone, which fell out of his pocket when he fell from that fifth story window, and is cheerfully ordering up hookers a plenty, all on his dead brother’s dime, or so he thinks. He also quits his job, drives housekeeper Berta nuts with his prissy demands, and tries to reconcile with his sexy, younger second wife, Kandi, who he believes will take him back now that he is rich.
On the other hand, non-stop eating machine Jake Harper will be truly saddened at the news of his vice uncle’s death, so he will eat himself into a pie induced sugar coma that will last throughout the entire first episode and possibly beyond. Then, when Kutcher arrives, which will most likely be at the very end of the first episode, or maybe the writer’s will let Alan live it up for awhile and introduce Kutcher later in the season, Jake’s stomach will roll, just as it always does before he lets loose with one of his signature “air biscuits,” and he’ll let loose a fart that will being tears to Kutcher’s eyes. The idea of having Kutcher greeted with Jake’s noxious fumes is too good to pass up and the show’s writers will no doubt have a field day with it.
Self-centered Evelyn Harper will play the role of grieving mother to the hilt. Dressed in a little black dress far too sexy for a real grieving mother, she will lament Charlie’s early demise loudly to anyone who will bother to listen, especially if they happen to be wealthy or near death real estate owners. Evelyn is not going to let Charlie’s death stop her from making the real estate deal of the century. In fact, she will use it to the hilt and go for the pity deal if need be, all the while proclaming herself to be a good mother and lamenting Charlie’s roguish ways. In fact, she will even try to convince Alan to part with Charlie’s beloved Malibu Beach home, just so she can get the commission.
Love addled Rose will transfer her love for Charlie to Kutcher instantly, although it may not be romantic love. Instead, in an effort to protect him from following in his father’s wayward footsteps, she will assume the role of stalker once again, rising up from under his bed and waving a chastising finger at him when he has a woman over and generally doing everything she can to sabatoge his roguish escapades.
Gruff housekeeper Berta will most likely make jokes about Charlie’s death to hide her sadness. She is too tough and battle scarred by life in general to behave differently. No doubt, her joke will contains some ribald double-entendre like “I guess viagra couldn’t help him with that bounce,” if indeed Charlie does fall out a window, as predicted.
Pittsburghers can watch past episodes of Two and a Half Men at 6 and 7 p.m. eastern time every weeknight on FOX or FX. In addition, the complete eighth season will be available on DVD in September.