No really, if I had taken my friend’s suggestion of drinking every time Ashley said “Bentley” last night, I’d currently be in intensive care for alcohol poisoning. She needs to get a GRIP. For the record, I’d also be hospitalized if I drank for “dark place”, “opening my heart” or “that bitch has rodent eyes.” Oh wait, that was me.
Chris Harrison tells the guys they’re all heading to Thailand, since Ashley needs a fresh start. I find it interesting that none of the guys are the slightest but put-off by the fact Ashley is devastated at her Bentley loss. They’re probably just super excited about getting the hell out of that house and getting to travel to Phuket, as evidenced by a lot of man-cheering, chest bumping and high-fiving.
They arrive in Thailand and head to their hotel. The guys are in a rental van and Ashley gets a ride in a red boat, sporting a white bikini. Totally not sticking out like a sore thumb at all. She arrives at the hotel and meets with a nice Thai concierge about things she can do on her dates in Thailand, which of course makes no sense because ABC producers have set the dates up months in advance. That pisses me off for some reason. Do they think we’re that dumb? Don’t answer that.
Anyway, the nice lady says, “You can take a jdhfkju into a dkjsfhidus. Romantic!” Ashley looks at her, pauses, and says, “Umm, that sounds nice.” It reminds me of Dumb and Dumber – What’s the soup de jour? It’s the soup of the day. Mmmm, that sounds good. I’ll have that.
She stands up, wishes Ashley “Good laaaaaack” and she’s off to meet Constantine…
Constantine is excited to hang out with Ashley and get to know her and see if she fits into his world. He doesn’t say he’s in love with her; he just wants to get to know her. See? Normal. People can be normal on this show. It’s boring, but a nice change.
Side note: Constantine has nice arms. Mama like. Mama does NOT like his hair and gold chain though.
It’s dumping rain so instead of kayaking they go shopping – every man’s dream. They walk around, insult Thai culture and make Americans looks like a-holes. They decide to talk to a local, in a veeeery awkward segment. Mr. Local speaks zero English so they ask a nice Thai girl to translate their stupid conversation. As this poor girl starts to talk, I just keep saying to myself, “This CANNOT be what this language sounds like.” Remember Guard and Protect your heart, Casey, from Ali’s season? He talked like he swallowed a gym sock. This girl sounds like she swallowed a helium tank. I’m aware that doesn’t make sense.
During the date, Ashley and her fish mouth keep remarking about how all she thinks about is Bentley. All I keep thinking is, “How is her mouth getting smaller every week? Amazing.”
Side note: She doesn’t look great wet.
After a shower, they have a beach picnic, where he is wearing sneakers. He takes them off at dinner to display his dirty sweat socks for all of America. Sigh. Buh bye, Constantine.
They have some interesting conversation at dinner. Here is the word-for-word transcript. Well, I was pretty drunk, so it might not be EXACT:
Con: How did you get through the stresses of the show?
Ash: This won’t answer your question at all, but you have to be strong. Just so you know, I don’t think everyone wants to be with me. I mean, I really, REALLY, don’t think that. In case you haven’t noticed, I have the self-esteem of an earthworm. I am smart and mildly fun yet I wouldn’t be convinced anyone in their right mind would want to be with me. And let me tell you this – in three months time, when I see Bentley trash me on national TV, I will crawl under my sofa and never come out.
Con: Uh, wow, yes, that didn’t answer my question at all. I just think it’d be nice to get to know you, so maybe you could chill out a bit?
Ash: Really? You want to get to know me? Because I wanted to stand close to you today and I wasn’t getting the feeling you wanted me there. I guess I had a small insecurity there for a minute.
Con: No offense, but that’s like, the understatement of the decade. A “small insecurity”? That’s like saying Anthony Weiner is only a tiny bit like a weird pervert.
Ash: Now who is that? Would he be interested in someone like me?
She’s crazy as all hell and he’s beyond normal. He’s not telling her he wants to be with her forever, because, surprise – he doesn’t know that yet. This is the first date you’ve had… and that’s pissing her off.
Side note: He’s very shiny.
Anyway, the date ends with Ashley giving him the rose and Constantine telling the Bachelorette cameras that he likes her and she has a larger than life personality. Excuse me? Larger than life? He must have just come from dating a series of sloths. Wow.
The group date this week is for Ben F., JP, Blake, Mickey, West, Ben C., Nick, Lucas, William and Ryan. Ashley takes them to an orphanage to repaint it, set up some soccer nets, etc. I think it’s an awesome idea and I’m all for volunteering, but I have two thoughts here…1) Ashley didn’t conceptualize or plan or choose this date, so stop saying it says a lot about who she is, as a person. It says she follows direction well – the producers told her they would do this date. And 2) You can’t tell me that at least 80% of these guys are not mad they’re not drunk and half naked with Ashley on a Phuket beach. I’d be like, “Sooo, there’s no alcohol involved? No relaxing on a lounge chair? Just do-gooder type stuff? I’m out. See you bitches later.”
Ryan, Solar Energy Guy, is extremely excited about this. Why? Because he’s one of THOSE people. You know, the type who really do want to change the world and they value their life on earth, and are excited to be alive, and love to help people? Yup, he’s one of THEM. Which drives the other guys nuts. I don’t think for a minute, Ryan is being insincere. He really is this way, all the time. So yes, I think the guys are wrong to call him fake and that he’s trying to look good. I think he is this way… However, I think the guys are correct in that he’s EXHAUSTING. Sure, I’m a bit of a negative Nancy, so I don’t deal well with the SUPER upbeat, but that crap would be annoying. All day long? Nobody could handle that, especially sourpuss, self-esteem in the shi**ter, Ashley.
Anyway, they spend the day painting, moving furniture and cleaning. Ashley is pissed that nobody is flirting with her and trying to bolster her rapidly flailing self-worth. The group gives the orphans some bikes and surprise – I’m BAWLING. There are few things in life that really piss me off and one of them is crying at the Bachelorette. The other big piss off are squirrels, but you guys already know that.
After the orphanage, they go to a bar, where Ashley makes out with Ben F, who unfortunately says “ruh roh”, a la Scooby Doo, during their kiss. I mean, nothing could make me sprint faster from a man. Yuck.
Blake is hot.
JP is hot too, and Ashley agrees as they passionately make out under an umbrella. He sticks his tongue in her (teeny) mouth and gets a gigantic boner.
At the end of the date, she gives Ben F. the rose, which will only prompt him to do MORE “ruh roh’s”. He thinks you LIKE it, Ashley. I’m tired of spelling everything out for these people.
As Ashley waits for Ames on a dock, she voiceovers herself that her biggest fear is getting heartbroken again (shocking) and that she realizes she needs to be more open to the idea of connecting with other guys. You know what I realized? That you should never go to Thailand in February. I mean, has it stopped raining since they got there? And you know the rain doesn’t help the girl on the physical front…Poor thing.
Apparently, Ames gets Constantine’s date. They take a boat out and then they kayak to a cove of some kind. Correction: HE kayaks to a cove while she looks wet and ragged in the front of the kayak. At least we know he’s got the arms for it (umm, hello? Did you see this dude’s body during the picnic scene? Wow. Those are arms you want tossing you into a wall during the heat of passion. Yum.)
Did I just really write that about Ames? Between that and my recurring sex dreams about my UPS delivery man, I really need a vacation.
Anyway, they chat and he tells her that he decided to go to Thailand alone last year to attend a cooking school. This is just weird. And a smidge gay. There I said it.
Back to the date…they kayak around and I wish Ames would stop voiceovering himself. He says, “Navigating these caves is like navigating a relationship – around every corner you really don’t know what to expect but often there’s something beautiful.” Awww, that’s sweet. And then sometimes around the corner, there’s a hot guy named Bentley who wants to s**t on your face. Just sayin’. Ames…love isn’t all caves and kayaks, my man.
They have a delicious looking picnic of ant-infested rice balls, while Ames blabs on and on about the importance of spontaneity. I’m a planner, so I’ve never understood this. Being spontaneous is rarely a good idea. Someone uses loses their job or you spend way too much money on airfare. Plan ahead, people! Excel. Use it.
Off topic, sorry. Anyway, after Ames rows his arms off, they shower and meet for dinner, where Ashley has unfortunately left her skirt in the hotel room. She’s walking around in a big shirt, pulling it down to cover her (certainly well groomed) vagina. Put it away, girlfriend. It’s not an elbow that everyone should see and is OK being banged into things. That’s your special area – keep it protected. Geesh.
The dinner is nice, I guess. Ames is much cuter than I thought, and much more normal. I’m really diggin’ him, until he says, “She is beautiful…in rain or shine, at sea or on land.” Also, he might be wearing my new Michael Stars shirt. That’s not OK either.
They had a good date, and Ashley gives him the rose. They don’t kiss, but that’s OK with Ames because they did something much more intimate…they talked. Oh Ames, shut up and start tossing chicks with those arms, will ya? You’ll do much better.
Ashley took another crazy pill before the Cocktail Party, as she claims her aim tonight is to grill each guy as to whether they’ll ever, ever leave her. Well, at least she’s playing the “confident, independent girl” role pretty well.
Side note: The rain is also not good for Ashley’s fake eyelashes. It must rain glue in Thailand – they’re sticking together in a very unflattering way.
After nothing short of harassing each guy, she determines that West will always love his dead wife more than her:
Ash: So, West, are you ready for another relationship? You know, since finding your dead wife floating in the bathtub?
West: Well, it’s been really hard, and I did love her deeply, but I’m ready to move on.
Ash: Mmm, that’s not quite good enough. If you really loved her, how will I ever know if you love ME that much?
West: Well, I wouldn’t compare the two. I would just love you.
Ash: Sooo, are you saying you’d always love her more than me?
West: No, didn’t say that.
Ash: Wouldn’t I always feel like you really loved her more? I would always be competing with your feelings for her.
West: Um, maybe, but I’ll remind you now that she’s dead. Dead. Gone. Buried. Worm food. Not here, not on Earth, therefore impossible to be with. I’d be only with you.
Ash: Even a dead woman is more self-assured than me. I can’t compete with that.
She grills Lucas on why he was divorced and if he too, still loves his ex-wife. This game is tiring. Do the guys not see this? Good grief. Where’s that rent-a-therapist from last season?
Ashley talks to Chris Harrison about how much she loved Bentley and that she’s still totally hung up on him. Chris has little patience with her and says, “You mean, the guy who left you?” When talking about the guys still here, he says, “The guys who are still here, because they didn’t leave you?” The only way I could love Chris Harrison more is if he whips out some footage of Bentley telling the camera he’d rather swim in pee, than plan a wedding with Ashley.
She then asks Chris if she can break the rules and only send one guy home tonight. She needs an extra rose, since she was due to send two guys home. Chris says, “I’m fine with that.” As if he makes the decision. The only decision this guy makes is whether to masturbate once or twice while hiding under the fantasy suite bed.
Apparently, Ashley’s reasoning is that she just wants to make SURE that she’s not sending someone home too early. Trust me, Ashley – you’re not. Nick and Ben C. could’ve left a long time ago. Anyway, her tactic of only sending ONE guy home, to ENSURE she’s not sending someone home too early is really just a smack in the face of the one poor bastard who gets sent packing.
Ben F., Ames and Constantine already have roses. She gives the remaining roses to:
Lucas – short, oil guy, definitely growing on me. Cute, divorced. I bet he’d be good at rodeo.
Ryan – Super happy solar energy guy. Wants to exhaust me by always being positive and trying to do good in the world. Puke.
JP – hot, good tongue kisser, and he’s sweet and normal. He likes Ashley, so she needs to put a ring on that s**t before he figures out she’s crazy.
Nick – Seriously, go home, personal trainer, surfer guy. He’s odd…not great looking and not her type. Why is he here?
Mickey – So hot, why is there not more footage of him? I get the feeling he’s questioning his involvement with this show.
Blake – the dentist who is much hotter than previously thought. He’s kind of a dick though.
William – The not-funny, funny guy. She needs to boot him.
Ben C – New Orleans lawyer, too excited about marriage and Ashley. Not incredibly hot. Good arms for lady-tossing, though.
Shockingly, she sends West home. She doesn’t want any competition and the corpse of the past bride is too much for Ashley. Dead wife probably DOES have better eyelashes though.
The Bachelor previews show Bentley coming back next week and I’ll be pissed if they’re lying. I did hear rumors that he comes back, however, so this might be pretty good stuff. Stay tuned.
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