Ahhh, another season of the Bachelorette. Watching the show just felt right…it was like coming home again…except this home had 25 dorks and one large-foreheaded, insanely insecure half-dentist. Wow, we have so much to talk about.
First comes the set-up. This is ABC’s attempt to sell us on their (insanely weird) choice of Ashley as the next Bachelorette. We see a recap of her blowing it with Brad due to her paralyzing insecurities. In a nutshell, she didn’t end up with Brad because every time they were together, she would question the fact he liked her, over and over and over. No human can put up with that so Brad kissed her weird fish mouth goodbye and chose to hump Emily, for as long as she’ll let him. Ashley mentions to the ABC camera that she has regret over her behavior and that will haunt her for the rest of her life…really? That just sounds severe. I mean, it’s Brad we’re talking about here. He couldn’t spell dentist, but yet she’s ‘haunted’ by it, ‘forever’? She needs to get a grip. (AKA this is going to be an awesome season).
Ashley montage: We see Ashley in full scrubs in dental school. I’m still convinced this is all fake. I think she’s taking one chemistry class, and has declared her major “Pre-dentistry” so the Bachelorette runs with this theme. Or maybe she’s a receptionist at a dental office, and ABC was like, “Close enough! Dentist it is!”
Apparently, Ashley teaches hip-hop dancing. She also likes to rent out dark, empty theatres and contemporary dance with herself. I WILL say this – she can dance Tenley under a table. Watching Tenley dance was like watching my three-year-old dance. Ashley can move, at least. A little. I’m no expert, but she looks a lot less awkward than poor Tenley.
Anyway, Ashley’s ready to share her life, blah blah blah. She says, “My future is wide open and so is my heart.” I know what else is going to be wide open this season…. Anyhoo, let’s meet some of these guys.
List o’ Dorks
Ryan, 31, Corona del Mar, California, Solar Energy Executive. He wants better for the world, and I want better for Ashley. Ew.
JP, 34, New York, Construction Management. He’s hot and seems normal and chill. He also seems like the type of guy whose friends will give him crap for being on the Bachelorette. This means he’s normal. I have high hopes. Although he might be gay and his collar is up.
Ames, 31, New York, works in finance. He has lots of education and lots of running experience. Due to all this, he forgot to talk to girls for 31 years, so he’s a little awkward. He does say he WISHES the Bachelorette was Ashley…in my book, this means they’re soul mates. If you actually WISH for that, then you must be meant to be. He has very white, very straight, very small teeth. It’s off-putting.
Ben, 28, New Orleans, Lawyer. He opens his introduction with “I love new Orleans”. Immediately, I know I hate him. I’ve been to New Orleans and it’s horrible. I found human poop outside my hotel room door and stepped in vomit at least fifteen times in two days. The place is gnarly. I would hate a boy to drag me there for culture. (For the record, don’t write comments about how awesome you think New Orleans is. I know it’s a great city with lots to offer but it’s not for me. I like a nice pool for my vacation. I don’t need culture. And I like my hotel rooms poop-free. I know I’m shallow. I’m OK with it.) Anyway, if I didn’t hate Ben before, he says on a scale of 1-10 of how romantic he is, he’s a 15…”or maybe a 215!” This guy is a huge dork. Romance in a guy is overrated. A really romantic guy is creepy. Sure, I like to receive the odd bouquet of flowers or whatever, but too much romance is a little gay.
Benjamin, 28, Sonoma, Winemaker. Seems normal-ish, except for the fact he looks like Josh Groban.
Bentley, 28, Salt Lake City, Businessman. He’s hot hot hot hot hot, and this season’s “bad boy”. A past contestant told Ashley that he’s not there for the “right reasons”. I don’t really care about that because he’s hot. And he named his daughter “Cozy” so anyone who can show THAT severe lack of judgment might be fun to watch on reality TV.
Anthony, 28, New Jersey, Butcher. He is in the mob and wears a gold chain. He seems sweet, but you’d never want to see him sweaty and naked on top of you. And he’d sweat a lot, I bet. And his gold chain would hit you in the face. And he’d moan a lot. Eek.
West, 30, South Carolina, Lawyer. He’s hot, sweet and normal. I have REALLY high hopes for him. My favorite so far. And yes, you guys know I’m a sucker for a sob story and he is this season’s dead wife guy. Not only that, but he FOUND HER, floating dead in his bathtub. No joke. Therefore, I can’t make fun of him at all and I hope he sticks around because I really, really like him. (I’d like to point out that YES, I was crying when listening to his story. Then my friend texted me and said, “Oh god, do you think she was crying out for him to help her when he just thought she was having a relaxing bath??!” These are my friends, people.)
William, 30, Ohio, Cell Phone Salesman. Another decent pick for me. I thought he was too “Jason Mesnick” at first, but I think he’s growing on me. His Dad died and his watch stopped the moment he died, and William hasn’t started it again. Uhhh, he needs to throw that creepy s**t out. That’s like a Ouija board watch. Not OK.
So there’s an overview of some of the guys. Ashley is about to meet everyone at the limos, but first she needs to have a heart-to-heart with Chris Harrison, who is looking different this season. I can’t put my finger on it, but he looks like he’s had work done. He’s so funny and cute – I love Chris H. I still think he hides under the bed in the fantasy suite and masturbates, but we all have our quirks, right?
The only thing she says to Chris that is remotely interesting, is that she hopes the guys like her, that they aren’t disappointed it’s her and that she doesn’t let them down. I’m pleased to see she’s really worked through those insecurities in the last few months! She sounds SUPER self-assured, right? Here’s how the brief conversation went:
Chris: So Ash, are you afraid of rejection tonight?
Ash: No, Chris, why would you say that? What did you hear? Do I look OK? Do you like my hair?
Chris: Uh, yeah, sure. I see you met with ABC stylists to discuss the whole forehead thing.
Ash: What forehead thing?
Chris: Nothing. Forget I mentioned it. I meant to say, I like your bangs. Too bad the stylists couldn’t do anything about your fish mouth, huh?
Ash: Do you have stylists for that? Can I have their number?
Chris: Let’s just relax and talk about tonight. Are you excited?
Ash: Yeah, but I hope I don’t let them down. I hope they like me. I hope they think my bangs are pretty. Do you think I can get some airtime dancing this season? I’m better at that than at Dentistry, you know. Don’t tell anyone that though!
Chris: So you’re doomed. Let’s go meet the guys!
Limo Meet and Greets
Ashley’s nervousness has manifested itself in one way, and one way only. She SCREAMS at every guy. She talked so loud, I keep turning my TV down. I will represent Ashley’s inappropriate scream-talking by writing in all capital letters. Sound good?
Ryan, Solar guy, is out first. NICE TO MEET YOU RYAN!!! AAAHHH!
Jon, 26, Vancouver, Washington, Ecommerce Executive. He picks her up and I think it’s actually funny. THAT WAS AWESOME, YOU’RE SO FUNNY JON!
Lucas, 30, Texas, Oil Field Equipment Distributor. We don’t learn much about him except that he’s a hugger. Cute, might be dorky. I’ll let you know.
William, Cell Phone Sales guy tells Ashley that he’s had his heart broken before, but I think this time will be different. That’s funny, cause I don’t.
Mickey, 31, Ohio, Chef. He tries to kiss her, which seems completely pushy and inappropriate. She backs off, letting us know I’m correct. Stay tuned for episode two when he tries to date rape her.
Tim, 35, Liquor Distributor, Long Beach, New York. I don’t think it’s OK to use this word but it’s really the best one I can use to describe him – here goes: I think he’s retarded.
Ben, the New Orleans Lawyer, talks French to her. THAT IS THE SWEETEST THING EVER. YAY!
Stephen, 27, Hairstylist, Manhattan Beach. Awk. Ward. Don’t point out the fact I have a new hair color, a-hole. Not a good opening line. I’m not impressed. I’m surprised he didn’t say, “Wow, not only do you have a new hair color, but you’re sporting extensions and bangs, which is certainly a good decision with that 60” high definition TV screen you’ve got as a forehead.”
Chris D., 25, Chicago, Sports Marketing Coordinator. I think he’s rapping, but maybe he’s just reciting a poem? It doesn’t rhyme though? I hate him.
West, my favorite, is out next. He gives Ashley a compass stuck on west. Sure, it’s cute, I get it…but West, I like you. If you f**k this up for me by start acting like a douche, I won’t be pleased.
Anthony, the mob butcher, is just…wow. He’s like a caricature of himself. He gets out of the limo, looks around slowly, lots of weird pausing. This whole thing is just weird. Not going to happen, Anthony.
Rob, 27, Michigan, Technology Executive. My husband is named Rob too, and he’s also a Technology Executive, so I have big plans of comparing him to my husband all season long. So yeeeeeah, as you’d expect, the “technology executive” turns on the dork and is gone by night’s end. I tell my husband this and he says, “Yeah, I would’ve gotten kicked off the first night too. I probably would’ve tried to impress her by telling her how I just built my own computer from scratch for half the cost!” (which he actually just did). I’m…speechless. It’s safe to say I will pretend my husband is West next time we have sex.
Ames, the overachiever is out next and gives Ashley ballet tickets. NO WAY THAT IS THE SWEETEST THING EVER!!
Matt, 28, Massachusetts, Office Supply Salesman. He gets out, does a funny handshake with her, calls her beautiful, and says he’s happy to be here. See people? He’s normal. And sure, boring, but NORMAL. Normal is good at this stage in the game. Which brings me to the next segment…Batman.
Batman, Jeff, 35, St. Louis, Entrepreneur. First of all, “Entrepreneur” is code for Unemployed mid-level Manager. Second, he’s wearing a friggin mask because he “wants to take his face out of the game so she’ll learn about him on the inside”. Hot people don’t do this. Just sayin’.
Ben the Winemaker greets her with a glass of wine. I LOVE IT IT’S SO GOOD IT’S THE BEST WINE EVEEEER!
Frank, 29, Tennessee, College Admissions Director. He picks her up too. Why are people doing that? I think it’s funny and cute, but we don’t want to risk anything happening to those extensions. Keep her upright, people. Oh and “THAT WAS REALLY REALLY SWEET!!”
Michael, 29, San Diego, Technology Salesman. He gets out of the limo and says, “This is the first time I’ve ever been excited to see a dentist.” HAHAHAHAHA THAT’S A GOOD ONE!!!! (Just to be clear, the all CAPS is Ashley scream-talking)
Chris M., 27, Canada, Construction Company CEO. Well, if there’s one thing we learn about Chris, it’s that he is, in fact, definitely Canadian. Wow, eh?
Ryan, 27, Michigan, Construction Estimator. He takes pictures with her and then asks her to take a picture of him and Chris Harrison later on. I love him. She hates him.
JP gets out and says, “I have no props but we’ll talk more inside.” I’m falling in love with him and start daydreaming about getting naked with him when I’m interrupted by “OK SEE YOU INSIDE JP!!!!!”
Nick, 26, Personal Trainer, Tampa – He has a poem for her that starts with “as we embark on this journey…” F**k you.
Blake, 27, South Carolina, Dentist. Chill and normal and doesn’t spout off that he’s a dentist. And he’s hot. Mama like.
Bentley, hot hot hot, but still. Cozy? I can’t forgive that just yet.
Constantine, 30, Georgia, Restaurant Owner. He ties floss on her finger. YOU ARE THE CUTEST THING EVER!!
Finally the Cocktail Party
I’m exhausted at this point. This is a lot to take in, right? Here are the highlights from the cocktail party:
· Ryan tells Ashley “I like active girls. I’m all about activity.” I wonder if he watched this tonight and cringed at himself as much as I am.
· One dork (Not sure who, but maybe Matt?) calls his friggin Mom with Ashley. Sure, we all like guys who treat their Mom with respect, but that’s quite different than a full-blown Mama’s Boy. Run, Ashley, run. (Side note: I DID appreciate sassy Mom, who reminded them to use protection in the fantasy suite)
· I love the guy who pretends to play guitar, uses it as a ploy to get alone time with Ashley and then throws it in the water. THIS is a guy I could get naked with. Anyone know who it was? I hope it wasn’t Anthony, because I still won’t get naked with him and his gold chain.
· Quote of the night: After the other guys (rightfully so) start tearing apart Batman for wearing a mask, Batman says, “This is exactly what I knew would happen. You cover up half your face and all of a sudden, you’re strange.” You can’t fault him for being observant. Let’s just straighten this out. Sure, we should all get to know people and what makes them tick on the inside, but it is never normal, ok, acceptable or deep to wear a mask. You’re just weird. You are WEIRD, Batman.
· Tim from Long Island has a serious anger management problem, as he wants to pummel Batman for wearing the mask. He also has a serious drinking problem, as he gets completely wasted, makes an ass of himself, passes out on a bench and gets carted away in a van. While the guys were carrying him off, I was just BEGGING for him to raise his head up and say, “Sooo, I didn’t get a rose then?” I was also hoping for a “limo confessional” camera, but no such luck.
· I LOVE YOUR ENERGY, BEN!
· JP and Ashley have a weird discussion about how JP earned the nickname ‘Cupcake’ at work and Ashley’s always WANTED to have the nickname ‘Cupcake’. I really hate her right now.
· Bentley woos Ashley with his good looks. We woos me too. Hot, people. Hot. He later tells the camera that he’s not really attracted to Ashley. Well, a girl can’t hear THAT enough! Ashley probably watched this last night and as we speak, is now hiding in a closet, quivering “why doesn’t anyone love me…”
· Ryan gets the first impression rose. Not sure which one. The solar guy, I think. I’ll let you know when I care.
They keep 18 guys. What the hell? That is WAY too many. I was hoping this show would end before Labor Day. Dammit.
Roses go to:
· Ames – Finance guy, weird white teeth, overachiever. Would never allow you to watch the Bachelorette while eating peanut butter straight from the jar.
· Ben C – On a romance scale of 1-10, he scores a Douche 15.
· Ben F – Winemaker, Josh Groban twin. I get the feeling he would be quick and twitchy in bed.
· Bentley – Hot, hates Ashley. I would let him have his way with me, even if he was quick and twitchy. Cozy not allowed in my house.
· Blake – Cute Dentist. One of my top picks.
· Chris D – Has a body like a male cheerleader. Not sure what that means, but it feels correct.
· Constantine – very little airtime. He’ll be gone next week.
· JP – I want to marry him. He seems normal and nice, but not a pushover. Not an overly romantic douche. Just a dude. One you’d want on top of you naked. (Side note: You will hear me categorize guys this way a lot – Whether you’d want them naked on top of you or not. I think it’s a great way to cut to the chase. It really sums things up. So I plan on using it a lot this season)
· Jeff – Batman. Hate him and his (undoubtedly) ugly face.
· Lucas – Jury is still out. Cute…I have a feeling he’s a dork. And short.
· Matt – Not much to say except I’m annoyed at the Mama’s Boy thing.
· Mickey – He’s a chef and Ashley would be an idiot not to pick him because having a chef, as a husband would be the ultimate in luxury. Ahhh.
· Nick – Cute, seems nice! Why haven’t I noticed him before? Oh wait, he’s a Personal Trainer. Forget it. He would really never let you eat peanut butter straight out of the jar.
· Ryan M – who?
· Ryan P – solar guy. Needs to chill out on the fact his company has 600 employees.
· Stephen – hairdresser. This would be very economical for Ashley to date him.
· West – Dead wife, my frontrunner. Well, him and JP. And Blake. And Chef guy.
· William – I fear the dead dad and haunted watch is clogging my judgment on him. He seems nice.
The guys who get sent packing are:
· Tim – Drunk McDrunkerson
· Anthony – Butcher. He’s not pleased.
· Chris M – Canada out.
· Frank – ?
· Rob – Technology Rob. Poor Rob. He’s on his way home to build a computer to make himself feel better.
· Jon – ecommerce guy? Who? He’s REALLY broken up about it because he watched all last season with his Mom who made it sound like he was meant to be with Ashley. Now that he’s not, he seems REALLY bummed out. Wow.
· Michael – ? and another?
The previews look pretty good, I admit. I can’t wait for the Producers to show Ashley the footage of Bentley saying he wishes Ashley were Emily. That alone will stick me with this show for nine weeks. That and the fact that they show Batman pooping on the toilet, while reading, and still wearing the mask.
See you next week!
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