Relationships plague us with such obscurity and illusion as we know that all we want is to be loved and feel appreciated, right? That sounds easy yet it becomes one of the hardest human skills to master. We don’t have an instruction booklet to reference for each new partner. Wouldn’t that be nice? So, we are left to trial and error which carves paths toward acceptance or rejection. There is one short cut that we should consider as valuable to this process, a sort of cliff notes to inter-personal relationships: we must move out of our head and start talking from heart to heart.
When we start to communicate from the heart we will begin to see the other as their own unique Be-ing with needs and desires different then ourselves. This is an important key to allowing relationships to grow and be nurtured not as you wish to do unto them but as they wish to have done to their self. Asking questions to your partner as to “How can I best show you that I love you?” is just a start. Have you ever been asked this question? Most likely you have not. We may believe that we love our partner the best ways we know how. We may have been doing the things that bring love into our heart, yet we start to feel frustrated as to what we are doing isn’t being showered with appreciation and love back. This is when the resentment can start and relationships taper away…we are not being heard because we did not ask the questions.
Will just love pull us through the trenches?
What our partner tells us they need may never intersect with what we want to give. By communicating upfront what our desires are with our partner, as courtship begins, we can eliminate hurt feelings by avoiding silent misunderstandings. What we don’t know can hurt us just as knowledge gives us power. We must not assume our partner is like us just because we are compatible on the surface. Our uniqueness is derived by many factors but in relationships this can be cultivated by the success or failure of past relationships, family programming, or something that has had an effect on how we view the world in general. To truly please our partner we may have to shake up our foundation and step out of our comfort zone. This becomes the process of learning more about our self and how much love we are willing to allow our heart to give. Relationships mirror just what we need as they appear with the lessons we are ready for to expand our soul’s awareness and progress toward a more authentic self.
There is a grand juxtaposition with this scenario as not only are we looking to selflessly give to our partner just what they want, we are challenged to keep in prospective our needs and honor them completely. We must be compassionate lovers. We have to be open to discussion and disputes. This journey of fulfilling our partner’s needs is not about become a martyr and feeling obligated to do things we prefer not to; this is a path to understanding something outside ourselves in such an extraordinary sense that we make love effortless and more pleasing for both. So if we are not feeling loved, even though we have told our partner what we need, they may not be the partner for us. Yet, it is easy to slip into old patterns of relating and communicating; we are human. We don’t need to make the other feel bad or decide not approach them with our feelings while becoming quietly resentful. No, we can make good changes in the now just by talking heart to heart and being clear not accusatory. We have a tendency to put people on the defensive when our own feelings are wounded but overall this solves nothing as it either makes the other feel guilty or angry, neither of which are true qualities of love. Just by speaking our truth and having a safe place to open our heart to another, we become more of who we truly are.
Inner Strength + Emotional Balance + Clear Communication = Long-Term Loving Partnerships
Can you imagine the number of relationships that break up from the pain of not feeling loved when indeed they were being loved? If we could just move out of the “What about me” worry and transform our emotions into sincere dialogue while being conveyed without judgment, then we can become healthy long-term lovers. Sadly, most people are out their loving each other but loving the other as they wish to be loved, not as their partner is calling out to feel beloved. Speak up and allow your partner to know what you want and then listen to their needs. There must be reciprocal and mutual participation in this equation to create a loving relationship, as of course, it always takes two. This simple formula can be applied to any of our relationships we engage in from work, social groups, family and romantic love. Make a change today and ask someone we love, “How can I love you better?” The world could change right now if we could do this simultaneously. A blockage in loving is one that stops us from living our life fully in every moment. Love is the fuel to all action; fill up, it is free!
Sometimes it is helpful to get a little nudge in the right direction from someone that has worked with these types of relationship challenges. Workshops are helpful in that they show you that you are not alone and you can learn from others in similar circumstances. There is a website with good information and event schedules for couples connection workshops that happen right here in Boulder. See their website for more information: www.liftyuup.com