I have been in a relationship (on/off) with this guy for 16 years. We have a 13 year old daughter together and we live together in the Glen Park area of San Francisco. The problem is that during our relationship he cheater and fathered a child that is now 4 years old by a woman who he already has a child by that’s the same age of my daughter.
I have been knowing about the child for a while, but this last weekend he brought the child over and I got this bad feeling in my stomach b/c when I looked at her it just reminded me of his cheating. As a mother, I feel bad that I feel this way, but I don’t know what to do.
What you do is realize that you were not married to him, and your relationship with him was shaky from the get-go. Otherwise, YOU two would be solid as a rock and married, especially after all this time and having a child together! Therefore I can only conclude that his feelings of commitment to you are not what you would like to think they are. That would also mean that what you see as “cheating” he merely saw as his right and privilege since he was single and your relationship was “off and on” and shaky as a 9.5 on the richter scale earthquake.
If you don’t want to deal with him, then move on. Otherwise accept that this is the life you have chosen and the man you have chosen and make the best of it.
Remember, it is not the little child’s fault that this man is his father. You would do best to not abuse the child or mistreat him in any way because you are jealous or resentful.
Be mature, be a woman, be a mother if you have it in you. Welcome the baby and treat him with kindness, consideration and love – the same way you would want some woman to treat YOUR child. That should be the only thing you think about and the sole thought that guides your behavior towards and treatment of this innocent young person.
I met my boyfriend on the net and we have been together for 6 months. We are like best friends and chat on the phone every day for hours. However his ex girlfriend didn’t take the news about the 2 of us well and tried to commit suicide. My boyfriend is now very scared and confused about what to do. He is depressed and has decided that I’m the only good thing in his life, the only thing which makes it worth living. It scares me how dependent he is on me.
We decided to break up but remain friends and talk once a month. I was really quite relieved by this as it was moving to fast for me. However he keeps ringing me everyday and wont leave me alone. He cries down the phone every night and says that I’m the only reason he is still living, because he loves me so much. I don’t wont to get back together now but am afraid to tell him this incase he tries something terrible too.
I don’t want to abandon him but don’t want to be his girlfriend anymore. What should I do? Please! HELP!!!!
Living in Fear
Dear Living in Fear:
So this is a “boyfriend” that you have never met? Never spent time with offline? Never kissed? Never went on a date with? What?
You don’t have a boyfriend honey and never did. I have to ask – just because he calls do you feel that you have to answer the phone? Don’t you have caller ID? Don’t you have one of these new Droid phones that has the option programmed into it to block specific numbers? Why do you feel responsible for HIS depression and behavior? Why does he feel responsible for an ex girlfriend’s suicide attempt?
What I see here is that she is manipulating him, and he is manipulating you!
Maybe I am mean (something people have often accused me of), but I would not allow my life to be negatively impacted by other people’s sordid little dramas. I don’t understand this type of behavior.
Why can’t you tell him to not call and to leave you alone? Back that demand up with action by not taking his calls, not returning his messages or texts, and avoiding him like he is dead. Tell him that your goal is to have a real life boyfriend you can kiss and hug and that is not tied up with a psycho woman. Tell him to get himself together and stop sniveling on the phone like a petulant child. Tell him that no woman can love or respect a man that cries to HER about some other woman!!! What kind of mess is that?
You have power here that you aren’t using . A woman has to demand respect from the men in her life, and establish boundaries with her time, energy and emotions or people will use you up. Find the courage somewhere to come straight with him about what YOU want and what is good for YOUR life.
If he doesn’t like it, well that’s just too bad. You have to take care of yourself and find your own happiness in life. Other people aren’t ever going to treat you better than you treat yourself.
There’s this lady that I go church with that I’ve had this crush on since I was in high school. Now I’ve waited cause when at first the crush started developing, I was still in high school and she’s a full grown woman and I knew that wasn’t going to work. But I want act on my instincts and go for mine, but at the same time I don’t want her to know me as the guy who always asked her out, but as one of her friends.
I tried calling and talking to her on the phone but I’m not a phone person cause you will get a hello, what you doing and then blank spot. I guess this boils down to 2 questions: (1) How do I go about handling the situation? And (2) you got any phone conversation tips you could give me?
Dear Silent Sam:
What do you talk about with people when you are face to face? Talking on the phone really is no different. In fact, most people find it easier because you don’t have to look at the other person’s face and can lay comfortably on your bed or couch and blab away!
As women tend to be very auditory creatures and very verbal, most women love a man that has interesting conversation. So if you want to get her mind going, you are going to HAVE to come up with something to talk about. The main reason you are calling her would be to get to know more about her, correct?
So why not start there! Ask about her job, tell her about yours. Ask her about her club affiliations, sororities, hobbies, involvement with sports etc. See what she does in her spare time. Find out about her tastes in food, music, art, politics, literature. See where she has gone on vacations in the past or where she imagines herself going. Be sure to share with her your experiences, especially any funny stories from school or your family. Women love a man that can make them laugh. Ask her opinion on various surveys or things you may have heard discussed on the radio or television. See how her mind works and how she thinks about things.
No matter what you do, please avoid making any sexual reference or sexually oriented jokes, asking about her underwear or what she sleeps in or anything about bed or her bedroom, or any of the other corny stupid shit that uncouth Brothas do when they call women on the phone. A man of class always treats women with respect.
You have had a fantasy about this woman for years. Now it’s time for you to make the fantasy a reality. You can only do that if you put forth the effort to get to know her better. And if that first or second conversation goes well, be sure to ask her out on a date. Don’t let the relationship be phone based and flat or it will slide into the realm of “the Friend Zone” and never come out.
I am 21 and my current boyfriend is 24. I met him when I was having lunch on Fisherman’s Wharf with friends. He was my really good friend for a year before we started dating romantically, which we have been for 18 months now. One of the reasons I decided to give it a shot was because he has a great heart and always looks out for me. The guys I dated in past have been the loud so-called popular, and loved to danced which is a big plus in my books.
I am very happy with my boyfriend and I do love him, but I sometimes wish that he would let loose and take me dancing. I know he tries for me because he does love me but it’s not the same as if he loved to do it himself. Am I selfish to want everything from him? I don’t have these butterflies in my stomach when I see him. Sometimes I do. But I also know that those butterflies in your stomach could be just infatuation, and the real thing is more to it than someone who dances or gives me butterflies in my stomach.
The number one thing is I feel secure with him unlike my ex-boyfriends. Do I really love him, or is it that he has close to everything I look for in a guy but not everything? Could it work on that? Or should the guy have everything I want in a guy? I am not sure if I am asking for a lot. He does have all the good characteristics in a guy that I love though.
Dear Twinkle Toes:
You are looking for perfection when it doesn’t exist girlfriend!
You claim you needed a stable, caring, loving, supportive man who makes you secure – someone who is the exact opposite of your party boy boyfriends from days past. You got that. So why are you complaining?
You also mention the butterflies in the stomach thing. Most times those butterflies are composed of nothing but insecurity! When you don’t KNOW for sure how someone feels, if you can depend on him, or if he really loves you, it creates a lot of drama and mystery. Some women like that drama and deem it to be exciting! They become addicted to the drama and actually miss it when its gone, even though it was the source of many heartbreaks and a lot of emotional and mental anguish. Since you do have SOME butterflies without the accompanying emotional angst, why are you complaining?
You cannot have it both ways. The fact that this guy tries to dance FOR YOU shows he is trying to please you. But for you that isn’t good enough? He has to want to do these things on his own to get your approval? I don’t get it young lady. I think you should stop looking for something to be wrong with this guy and instead look at what is right.
If you really want to incorporate dancing into your relationship, ask your boyfriend if he would like to take dancing lessons with you – learn something new like Salsa or Ballroom. Perhaps he just doesn’t feel comfortable dancing because he really doesn’t know how and thinks he looks foolish or something. But my strongest suggestion is that you stop focusing on what YOU like to do for fun and ask your man what he would like to see the two of you do together. And whatever he says, go for it without argument or attitude. Perhaps he is enthusiastic about tennis or bowling or cooking or painting. You two could do something together and strengthen your relationship in an environment where you are BOTH comfortable.
Finally, you need to accept that a couple does not have to be Bobsy twins with all the same hobbies and interests as long as they love, cherish and respect each other and keep each other’s happiness in the forefront of their minds at all times.