When it comes to being a bad-ass zombie slayer, you can practice your marksmanship and parkour till the undead rise to feast on the BRAAAAINS of the living. You can set up a backyard zombie training course and affix pictures of your loved ones to zombie-shaped targets. You can fast and carry around a backpack stuffed with post-zombiepocalypse survival essentials and extra ammunition. You can pretty much spend all your time freaking out your neighbors and convincing your family you’re unreasonably paranoid.
Or, if you care about things like your reputation and not being perceived as a crazy person, you can pursue these wholesome activities that will make you appear normal while at the same time preparing you for your new role as a bad-ass zombie slayer in the zombie apocalypse.
- Baseball is the American pastime. What could seem more normal and well-adjusted than that?
- You’d be surprised how hard it is to hit a moving target with a bludgeon. Practice makes perfect, as they say, and the more you hit the park or the batting cages with your do-gooder friends for some wholesome, all-American fun, the easier it will be for you to swing that bat and connect with the lurching, oozing head of a zombie.
- Inexperienced batters can sometimes suffer a shoulder injury while following through on their swing. The last thing you want in a zombie apocalypse is a sprained shoulder and the loss of your ability to wail on an undead skull. So batting practice will keep your muscles nice and limber and used to the idea of plowing through BRAAAAINS with excellent follow-through.
- Not only do gardeners have a higher chance of not starving to death in the zombie apocalypse, but their ability to wield a hoe and pruning sheers will make them formiddable zombie slayers. Just think while you’re out in the hot sun trimming the verge that every errant twig or rosebud is a zombie head, waiting for decapitation.
- Throw your back into your shoveling and hoeing and get used to wielding that mid-range sharpened zombie combat weapon like your life depends on it (it will).
- While you’re at it, make sure to plant zombie apocalypse staples like carrots (better eyesight means better aim through the sights of your rifle) and potatoes (the Irish couldn’t survive a famine without them, so what makes you think you can?).
- Gardening need not be a time for peaceful reflection. It can be the time you hone your nerves and senses to react quickly to an unexpected attack with unparalleled ferocity.
Orienteering or Geocaching
- This little-known, family-appropriate activity involves using a compass, a map, and an unusually deep understanding of navigation to locate markers or caches of items in a small area or around the world. Since we’re pretty sure your GPS won’t be all that useful post-apocalypse, it will be important to have keen navigational and map-reading skills.
- Getting in the habit of hiding caches of useful items outside your home could save your life when the dead move into your neighborhood. Try geocaching water purification tablets and spam and you’ll be glad you did when all your neighbors are starving or reliving their Oregon-Trail learning experience with dysentery.
- Geocaching often takes participants deep into the woods or far from highly-populated areas. This is exactly where you want to be when the dead rise and start recruiting the living to their pestilent, cannibalistic ranks.
Stay informed, stay alive: What wholesome, every-day activities are you involved in that will help prepare you for the zombie apocalypse? Share your best, most-normal, practices below!
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